GOP Labels Voter Fraud “Alternative Elections,” Eagerly Runs With Results


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The Republican party has been nothing if not consistent. Their utter lack of hypocrisy, double standards, and unfair judgments are a credit to their entire party. No one could be more consistent and evenhanded than they have been with the results of their own election. Not content to simply hear the will of the people and obey, the GOP has made it explicitly clear that they already know the will of the people are on the way to accomplishing it before the voters even reach the polls. That’s how they can so confidently claim they’ve won elections that are very much under investigation. They are so deeply in tune with the voice of the people, it all it’s jangling cacophony, that they don’t need something as crude as “votes” to tell them what the people really want, what the people really need.

The Republican party has been nothing if not consistent. Their utter lack of hypocrisy, double standards, and unfair judgments are a credit to their entire party. No one could be more consistent and evenhanded than they have been with the results of their own election. Not content to simply hear the will of the people and obey, the GOP has made it explicitly clear that they already know the will of the people are on the way to accomplishing it before the voters even reach the polls. That’s how they can so confidently claim they’ve won elections that are very much under investigation. They are so deeply in tune with the voice of the people, it all its jangling cacophony, that they don’t need something as crude as “votes” to tell them what the people really want, what the people really need.

In fact, we’re so very well assured of the results that it seems foolish to even complain about properly counting the votes. Consider, if you will, the imposition Democrats have forced upon them in this most recent election season. Rather than willingly accepting the Vox populist as interpreted by the Republican establishment, the Democratic Party had the gall to insist that we count the votes, like some kind of idiots. As if Republicans aren’t perfect telepaths! To suggest that they must actually request information from the people to know their desires is the basest insult. Why, the Republican Party has built the entirety of its runaway success on knowing what people want before they know they want it.

Consider how they know that people absolutely must have a new oil and gas pipeline cutting through Dakota wetlands. What else could the people want to do with the wetlands, visit them? Please, no one likes Dakota. And even if they did, no one is interested in actually going there. So they won’t make too much noise about the Keystone XL pipeline. That’s why it was never resisted by anyone and is today completely constructed with absolutely no legal challenges barring its completion, we promise. Don’t bother to check the news! We simply know that the pipeline has been approved, and will continue to act as if it has been even when it hasn’t. That way, Democrats will look like idiots trying to tell us all obvious facts! They will look like pedantic morons trying to correct the Republican Party’s factual grammar, pushing their nerdy glasses up the bridge of their nose while coughing out “Actually” from under their grungy hippy beards. Yes, they are all dirty hippie nerds, the worst of all hippies! They smell funny, too! These things are known!

With this kind of prescience, it’s simply unnecessary to hold things like elections, referendums, or votes. As perfect beings sustained only by light and truth with no need for earthly victuals, Republicans ascend to God on the wings of an angel to ask his opinion on political matters. So don’t know dare question whether or not we need a border wall, or how Mexico could ever possibly be made to pay for a wall in a country they don’t control for immigration policies they don’t want, given that sovereign states are a thing. It matters not! Simply believe, and it will have to be true.

Imagine talking to an insane person, who insists, for example, that the Democrats could win an election in the South. Don’t make me laugh! But if that loony insists for long enough, you might eventually go along with him or her just to end the conversation more quickly. After all, insane people are all Democrats, with their smelly beards and spectacles.

This is the strategy of the Republican Party writ small. Simply insist the world already is the way you want it to be, and refuse to acknowledge any challenge to that fact. Eventually, everyone else will be forced to play on the same level as you, acknowledging the same facts. And once truth is accepted, it cannot be changed. Kind of like monetary policy since the gold standard was repelled. Truth is simply what we all believe it to be.

So don’t worry about counting the votes! These are alternate facts, alternate votes. The world we want to live in already exists in the minds of each and every good-smelling, clean-shaving Republican. If we all simply believe it very hard, there’s nothing that women, minorities, or smelly intellectuals can do to make us all be communists by offering healthcare to the poor instead of outrageous tax cuts for the one-percent.

Deus Vult! God Wills It!

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